It's a question I now despise. I never know what answer people are looking for. Am I supposed to say, "Fine," and pretend all is well when deep inside I'm falling apart? Or am I supposed to answer truthfully? Then I'd be saying something like, "You know, I'm feeling pretty shitty. There's a huge, gaping hole in my life now. I wake up at night and cry for hours..." I could go on, but I fear that more details would be too much for the blogging world.
Having spent a few days at my cousin's house was really nice, but every time I looked at the seat where he sat when the two of us kicked some butt playing Taboo a couple of weeks ago, I had to hold back the tears.
The kids don't get why I can barely motivate myself to get out of bed or fix a fancy dinner. They freak out about school assignments, and I couldn't care less. It just seems so superfluous in the midst of it all. I tell them not to worry; that there are more important things in life; that "just ordinary" is fine. I never thought I'd one day encourage mediocrity.
Out in the world people walk by talking about their new high heels or the new pillow covers for their living-room and I just think, "What a superfluous conversation to have." People tell me that I'm strong, how life goes on, how it was meant to happen, how we weren't a good match anyhow, and they make other superfluous statements I wish I didn't have to listen to. I get up in the mornings, but there's not a grain of strength left in me. Inwardly, I just want to crumble.
Because of a "medical condition," I can't even take sleeping pills to just get away from it all for a couple of hours... And it's all so much more complicated than it appears (as some of you know), but because of some blog readers I could never just tell it how it is...
And superfluous was just one of his favorite "fancy" words, but since English is my second language, I never caught on to its proper usage.
And of course I have many friends who have just been so, so awesome in the midst of it all & I'm so grateful for that.
Having spent a few days at my cousin's house was really nice, but every time I looked at the seat where he sat when the two of us kicked some butt playing Taboo a couple of weeks ago, I had to hold back the tears.
The kids don't get why I can barely motivate myself to get out of bed or fix a fancy dinner. They freak out about school assignments, and I couldn't care less. It just seems so superfluous in the midst of it all. I tell them not to worry; that there are more important things in life; that "just ordinary" is fine. I never thought I'd one day encourage mediocrity.
Out in the world people walk by talking about their new high heels or the new pillow covers for their living-room and I just think, "What a superfluous conversation to have." People tell me that I'm strong, how life goes on, how it was meant to happen, how we weren't a good match anyhow, and they make other superfluous statements I wish I didn't have to listen to. I get up in the mornings, but there's not a grain of strength left in me. Inwardly, I just want to crumble.
Because of a "medical condition," I can't even take sleeping pills to just get away from it all for a couple of hours... And it's all so much more complicated than it appears (as some of you know), but because of some blog readers I could never just tell it how it is...
And superfluous was just one of his favorite "fancy" words, but since English is my second language, I never caught on to its proper usage.
And of course I have many friends who have just been so, so awesome in the midst of it all & I'm so grateful for that.
5 comments:
The only cure is time.
No one understands the pain like you. We can try and put ourselves in your shoes but they just don't fit.
No words can smooth out the pain you feel, no hug is tight enough to squeeze out the pain
Time my dear....just time
I remember when my mother died when I was a teenager, people asked me the same thing. I had very similar thoughts about what they were really wanting until I took the plunge and told (most of) them how I really was feeling - and to my surprise they were great. My honesty meant they could be honest about how they felt helpless and didn't know what to say beyond, "How are you doing?"
And don't hold back your tears all the time. Crying releases endorphins.
Sending you a virtual cassorole for the kids and vibes for a peaceful nights sleep.
hell yeah, you most definitely say you feel like shit, that the world sucks, like you feel like you can't go on. if people can't take it, it's their damn problem. you have every right to your feelings and to not have to hold them in. spill it. get it out. if someone asks, tell them the whole blatant truth. you were dealt a terrible, aching blow and your life is in complete upheaval. don't hold it in. don't mask it for other's sake. just get it out. and screw it when people try to tell you it was just his time or that it was meant to be or whatever. none of that is going to make you feel better. it's not their fault for not understanding or not knowing what to say but at the same time, you have every right to say "bullshit!"
Ditto, what Sarah says.
Tell them, "It sucks ass. I feel like throwing things. I feel like laying down. I want to use really, truly nasty swear words....Cause I mean them. Especially when being asked DUMB-ASS questions."....Or don't. ;)
Hang it there, sweetie.
YIKES! i hope i didn't ask that... I think so many times when people ask how you are doing what they mean is "I want to help but i don't know what to do or say, Quick, say SOMETHING" And of course now is a crap time for you to assimilate that, or deal with other peoples discomfort. You have plenty of your own. I wish more than anything, that i had SOMETHING useful to say. ANYTHING. You just are such a precious person and it breaks my heart to see you hurting.
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