A Note For Lil' Bean

Dear Lil' Bean,

Okay.
I will be blunt.
I'm done being patient.
Thank you for the added suspense.
You're keeping me on my toes.

1-0 for you.
Please come out now.
Pretty, pretty please?

Apparently patience is not my virtue.
But I don't have the patience to learn patience right now.

You see, your mother is not the best homemaker.
Maintaining a clutter-free, dust-free, spiffy clean home
day after day is driving me crazy.

Not that you'd grow up in conditions the health department would deem unsanitary, but I do believe a bit of dust is good for your immune system. :-)

I'm glad you've grown into such a healthy-sized baby.
Not too big, not too small.
I'm glad you're so active.
Thing is, I wasn't the smallest chick to begin with.
I like a good-night's sleep... and I know your father has been telling you to sleep through the night at an early age, because I asked him to do so, and generally he responds to my requests...

It's hard to sleep with this big belly.
What is keeping you in there?
Surely it must be getting kinda tight?!

The moon is in Taurus. Stability & steadiness are good virtues to have. Do you not want the conservative streak that comes with that moon sign? (Okay. That makes sense. Maybe you & I would bonk heads too often...)

Are you waiting for the quick-wittedness that comes with a Gemini moon?

The tenderness of a Cancer moon (like your father)?

A Leo moon? Labor Day weekend would be a great time to be born & it also happens to be Father's Day in your Papa's homeland.

Or are you maybe waiting to be born on Nathan's birthday,
which would make you a Virgo with a Virgo moon?
(That's a lot of perfection there, my child...)

Or are we talkin' even later than September 8th?
(Gasp.)

Well, I'm sure you have a plan.
But would you kindly tell me what the plan is?
Pretty, pretty please?

If you can't get a hold of me on the phone, you can always leave me a message on Facebook.

Thank you very much.
Can't wait to meet you.

Love,
Your (tired of this insomnia) Mama

Midwife Monday

It starts of strange & depressing, but turns into a kind of funny story, so read on...

When I finally fell asleep last night, I had a dream. A weird dream. I dreamed I was in the birthing tub & I gave birth to a... squirrel. No kidding. In my dream I broke down crying saying, "Oh my gosh. What will my mother think? I gave birth to a squirrel." My midwife was trying to console me by saying, "Look at it. It's so cute. You will love it." - You see, I have come to terms in ways with my mother having walked out of my life over this pregnancy. I know a part of her still believes that I'm not really pregnant; that I'm just making it up. It's one thing for people to tell me I'm crazy when I've done something crazy, but this is not me being crazy! When I tried to "analyze" this dream, it had to do with having disappointed her in ways, although I truly know that this is her problem not mine.

Anyhoo.

Well, I went for my midwife appointment & wondered whether or not I should tell her about the dream. It was a strange in ways kinda dream, but then also kinda funny. I arrived & she peeked out and told me to go do the urine sample thing. I sat on the bed in her office when she came in and told me about these squirrels. No! I had not even mentioned my squirrel dream yet! She said that people know she raises abandoned squirrels; how she always has a container of cat milk, just in case. She said someone brought her squirrel babies last week; tiny ones that require feeding every two hours. My jaw must have dropped as she told me about it. I told her about my squirrel dream... It was just such a funny "coincidence."

She also gave me a lovely necklace with a bear on it. She said when she looked in her box, she immediately knew that I had to have it. She said bears are good mothers. :-) She reminded me that human gestation is 37-43 weeks, but that we've come to a place in society where it's hard to accept anything beyond 42 weeks. It was nice to have the reassurance that all is well. Lil' Bean's heartbeat is just fine. Healthy movements. All is well.

I'm going to insert a bit of "normal life" here. I'm really trying to hang in there, but I just miss him so much. The last few days have been especially difficult. I don't mean to be the depressing blog in your queue, but I also can't deny that it is so.

Yesterday I ended up having to dust the birthing tub. There were dust bunnies. A sure sign one has been waiting for a long time... My living-room fireplace is the only one not bricked up, but it used to be a coal-burning one, so it's not suitable for wood-burning. I put some candles in the spot & I have been enjoying the magical light in the evenings.

The boys have been fixing dinner almost daily. Here's Noah with a pizza bagel. The recipe was their idea. They were quite tasty.

I finished the Rosie Shawl. It needs blocking, though. On the needles now is my version of the Icarus Shawl - with a bit of a stockinette section. I'm using Swan's Island Organic Merino. I love the green hues, but the yarn must have been rinsed poorly or somethin'. - My bamboo needles are turning green! Yikes.

So much for Monday.

Monday 2:30 A.M.

My children. They have been fabulous. They surprised me yesterday & put together all the beds we had gotten at Ikea the day before. Their very own initiative. They have been helping around the house, not just without complaining, but actually asking me what they can do to help. They've just been so wonderful. I love them so much. Nathan woke up the other night and asked to lie down in bed with me. I can't even remember the last time that happened. He said he had had a nightmare. They were at their Dad's house & wanted to come back home, but they couldn't. They had to stay there, because I was dead... Sigh.

Last week I was ready & confident. I was in a good place emotionally. This weekend was a difficult ride. Lots of tears. I've stopped answering the phone. I'm tired of having to say "not yet" over & over again. I'm tired of having to defend my decision to have a homebirth. I'm tired of being without him - always, but especially these last few days. He was a solid, grounded human being; an anchor. I feel like a boat, out on the ocean; floating aimlessly - lost. I just want to go to sleep in his arms & feel safe knowing that all will be well...

Not Yet!

That's the only thing I seem to be saying these days & that note should take care of all potential inquiries for the next 24 hours. ;-) What can I say? Could mean that he's a procrastinator like his parents, but more likely he's just waiting for his star constellation in the heavens to be the right one for his birth; his journey through life. It seems that of all people I'm the least concerned about it, which is kind of funny. And yeah, I did take that Ikea trip yesterday. So glad I did! My boys were awesome with loading & unloading everything... - Have a wonderful weekend!

Midwife Wednesday

Lil' Bean is still high. I'm only at 1-2cm. I have permission to go shopping at Ikea, which is about a 1-1/2 hours drive through this weekend... Looks like September 2nd-ish is turning out to be the more accurate date afterall. So, don't look for a birth announcement 'til next week or somethin' like that... :-)

Moi Big Belly

Wearing Brent's shirt for a belly shot...

Busy Monday

The day started kinda mellow. No "Midwife Monday" as she had a birth to go to. - No, not mine. :-) For some reason I ended up with a very busy afternoon, though. I had some errands to run. Nathan asked for a ride to the bookstore. A photographer friend snapped some belly pictures... Anyhoo... This was our day...

Nathan & girly cat hanging out on the futon after breakfast.

Noah & boy cat chillin' in a living-room chaise.

A friend & I went to get the birthing tub. It's all clean & ready to go now...

This arrived from Christine over at a simple quilter over the weekend. I'm not a crocheter and I can't stop looking at this gorgeous baby blanket. I love, love the colorfulness of the squares. I wanted to wait with posting my gratitude 'til Lil' Bean has arrived & he can be in the picture, but I simply had to show you. Thank you so much, Christine! The Haribos were devoured by four lawn-mowing boys. :-)

As my friend and I were carrying the birthtub to the house, I noticed a crushed NZ Post box on the porch. While the outside had apparently suffered on the journey across the Pacific, the inside contained the sweet treasures you can see in the picture. They were sent by Rachel, a Ravelry friend from New Zealand. Thank you so much, Rachel. The soap smells so good. The yarn is gorgeous. I love the sweater & square hat. So unique. The kiwi shirt is so cute, too. And the Pineapple Lumps are missing... ehmmm... yeah... because... well, you can probably guess. ;-)

Last, but not least - as they say, I must also mention that I received chocolate fish and a sweet tea towel from Gail over at Delightfully Diva-ish. Unfortunately my children didn't pick up the "it's for decoration only" vibes the tea towel draped across the stove must have sent out... It's in the wash. The chocolate fish are in the fridge as they will be the Kiwi treat at Nuriel's birth. Thank you, Gail!

I really, truly don't know how to put my gratitude into words. I want you to know how sweet & wonderful it is to receive these special surprises in the mail. Thank you for your blessings!

I'm going to go straighten out a bit and have a look at the Knits magazine I picked up today. Nathan is reading the "FAA Airplane Flying Handbook." He can't wait to turn 17 to get a pilot-license. Noah is lost in two football magazines. While I don't mind the football content as he's almost 14, I do wonder about the advertisements in the magazine. Why can't the women be fully dressed? He actually wondered the same thing. Funny. Looks like a mellow evening ahead - unless Lil' Bean decides to add a little surprise-spice.

Not Yet...

It is almost 3:30 a.m. It looks like my body is preparing for "birth mode" in small chunks. Nothing too painful, but uncomfortable enough to keep me from snoozing. Small chunks is good. I'm not complaining.

I suppose more than one of my blog readers thought my blogging silence today meant that Lil' Bean has arrived. Not so. :-)

It was a mellow Sunday. My cousin's hubby (along with two of their boys and my boys) cut the grass chopped down the jungle around the house while she and I went out for a cuppa-mocha. My boys fixed baked potatoes, sausage & sauteed onions for dinner. I didn't do a thing. We don't own a TV. Football Preseason has started & Noah wanted to watch one of the games online, which meant no blogga-logga time for moi. Sitting on my bum & typing also isn't the most comfy thing to do these days & I just felt my brain wasn't quite here or there or wherever it should be... Nathan and I spent some time looking at some wildflower botany cards. He'll be studying that subject in 5th grade & the photos of the cards are just stunning. I organized my knitting patterns. They've outgrown the "one-binder-stage." I wonder if that's considered nesting? ;-)

Yes, I am ready, but I'm also wanting things to unfold in the right way at the right time, so I'm patient. I'm not slurping Castor oil or anything like that... ;-) I think about Brent & Lil' Bean a lot. I miss Brent. No doubt, getting my feet massaged while knitting would be divine just about now. I would even take his jokes about my elephant toes along with that...

I'm Ready!

I had a period of pretty steady contractions, about 7-10 minutes apart this afternoon. They faded again, but they made me realize that I'm ready. For this melancholic there will never be that moment of perfect preparedness. This old house will never be totally dust-free. There will always be some sort of Lego clutter or a Harry Potter book to trip over. All I can say is that I'm as ready for this as one can be, given the circumstances; given all that has happened in the last few months. It's not perfect, but all has been prepared with love.

I think Brent knows this as well.

And so I wait...

P.S. It's not (yet) too late to enter Another Giveaway.

Vintage Weekend

I love vintage green glassware.

Vintage Weekend inspired by Kimmie over at Serendipity Cafe.

The Hot Water Story

I've been without hot water since moving into the house here. I assumed that I had a gas water heater & initially I didn't get the gas turned on. It was so hot & humid that I actually enjoyed taking cold showers. Just before the boys came back, I called the city to have the gas turned on. They sent someone out & the technician told me that I had, in fact, an electric water heater. Bummer! My cousin aka realtor tried to get in touch with the seller as this meant the water heater had never functioned and was thus not covered by the home warranty. In the meantime a friend came out and looked at it. It seemed fixed, but the water never got more than lukewarm. A few days ago the water was b-r-r-r-cold again. I saw my first big homeowner expense comin' my way. Sigh. Just then my cousin aka realtor texted me with the number to the company that had installed the water heater, and - lucky me - there was a warranty on the work.

Yesterday two guys came out and determined that the top heating element was blown out. They said that this happens when one turns on the water heater before it completely fills with water, implying it was my fault & thus it would not be covered under warranty. Normally, I would argue with something like that. Truly, I hadn't done anything to the water heater. I'm not fond of the spidery crawl space down there. Alas. I'm too exhausted these days to argue with people.

I need warm water for the birthing pool, so I just said to them, "Can you please get that part installed soon? I'm due on Tuesday & I'm having a homebirth. I want to be able to have warm water in the birthing tub."

There was silence for a moment. It definetly put them out of their comfort zone. Then one of them said, "We'll be here first thing in the morning... and... don't worry about it... I can get the part on warranty... and we will do the labor on warranty, too."

Wahoo!

And sure enough. Someone was here this morning & took care of it. No fuss. I have hot water. I had a warm shower for the first time in two months. Very nice. Maybe I should go and pick up the birthing pool now, huh? Ha.

P.S. Gifts from all over the world keep showing up at my door. Quite something. I feel so blessed. I will have another "Gratitude" post in a few days. I must get some more camera batteries first. Until then please do know that your kindness is much appreciated.

More Blessingway

I hope you like flowers.

"Villa 1910" is filled with them.

It feels so good here.

Our home is a lovely place right now.

Ready to welcome Lil' Bean.

But the melancholic perfectionist me still wants to add some finishing touches first...

Blessingway Necklace.
The Goddess was actually a bead the Mom of one of my students received for one of her Blessingways & now passed it on to me. She shell has a pearl on the back of it. The words are Life, Trust, Spirit, Joy & Honor. It's very beautiful.

Flowers.

Flowers.

And more flowers.

Some bouquets had aromatic Rosemary in them. I dried the stalks in the oven today & put them in a spice jar. It'll be a special ingredient in the months to come. We love to eat Rosemary potatoes.

Blessingway

I was so overwhelmed with all the beauty & love.
- I forgot to snap pictures.
Here are a few.
This was in my house, yet I did not do a single thing.

I just got spoiled like crazy.

The pretty beads for my Blessingway necklace.
It is so gorgeous.

Amazingly beautiful flowers.
I ended up with ten vases & two flower crowns.
No kidding.

So very pretty.

Eggplant Parmesan.

Lots of yummy salads.

Potato cakes.

Fresh bread.

Tea.

Sparkling water.

Beautiful setting.

My footbath. Luxury.

I received offerings of spices & herbs along with wishes.

(Yes, I have gigantic toes & chunky feet.

Brent always made fun of them.

I wear size 11 shoes.)

Delicious chocolate cake.

WIP Wednesday

Here's the "Rosie" shawl I currently have on the needles. Very close to being finito. It's my first time using a variageted yarn in a shawl that's lace throughout. I wonder how it will look. It might be a bit busy, but sanguines need shawls, too - right?

The yarn is a Merino sock yarn. I had started a gazillion projects with it and had a bunch of tiny skeins. The dye lots are slightly different, but not different enough for me to tell them apart when the yarn is wound. I'm noticing a bit of striping in the shawl, but it'll be what it'll be. Someone will love it, I'm sure.

Some dear friends are giving me a Blessingway this evening. It will be here, in my house. In this stage of pregnancy I'm glad I don't have to leave my air-conditioned home. It's so humid outside. Crazy. A nice opportunity for some more of that nesting-cleaning. Other less creative WIPs include oodles of laundry. Amazing how much more laundry children create, especially musty teenagers. :-) 

So Much Gratitude...

So many blessings are coming my way these days. It's a beautiful thing; so very sweet. Last night I received some lovely gift cards along with a one-hour prenatal massage session from the parents of my students. So very awesome. Those of you who remember the "Richmond Mom Baby Shower Contest" may remember just how much I loved the idea of a massage... My appointment is for Monday - a day before the August 24th due date. The massage therapist assured me that I could also have it as a postnatal massage if need be. ;-)

A few weeks ago I won a pair of booties in the weekly Kiwi Mummy Blogs Giveaway. They arrived in the mail, along with the added surprise of a hat, from NaturalStar. Just gotta love 'em. Thank you, Brenda! I have a love for beautiful stories & beautifully illustrated books for children. The book you see there in the background was a totally-out-of-the-blue surprise from a former colleague. I found it in my mailbox at school today along with a lovely note. Thank you, Susan. - All the best in your new home & don't be shy about commenting!

I think this is the first bouquet of fresh flowers in this house. I love fresh flowers. So pretty up there on the mantle. They were a gift, too - along with yummy CSA veggies & fruits. Thanks to Sarah. I don't think Sarah even knows about this blog, but they are just so pretty.

This is a ceramic house that I gave my grandmother for Christmas one year - about 12, 13 years ago. She'll be ninety this year & she's wanting to pass on treasures to the people she'll be leaving behind one day. She wanted me to have it back. It's on the mantle, too. You can put a tea-light inside & the chimney can hold some essential oils for diffusing. Noah & Nathan also loved the packs of gummi bears that she used as padding. - Okay, yeah, so did I!

Oh and... It looks like my "Autumn" shawl will be used as a prop in the play The Fantasticks at Cadence Theatre Company here in Richmond. A friend & colleague is doing the choreography. She's a fellow knit-addict & wanted something "not acrylic." So funny. That shawl by the way has been getting oodles of hearts on Ravelry. (My project link.) Not sure why. It has a stockinette section & it's thus a pretty simple shawl.

So many treasures.

So much gratitude.

Midwife Monday

Lil' Bean is playing tricks on me. After having been perfectly behaved for so long, he was in a breech position today. The midwife easily turned him, though. Suspicion is that the long car ride this weekend just wasn't the most comfy thing for him. He was still quite active in there; seemed to have a lot of room to move around, so the thought is that of the two due dates, September 2nd may be the one closer to the mark. We'll see. - The rainbow of soakers is nearing completion. Just a red one to go. Lots of enjoying my boys, cleaning, knitting & resting on this end. Happy Days!

Boys & Birth

"We're going to bury the placenta in the backyard & plant a berry-bush on it. But first it will probably be sitting in the freezer for a couple of days."

Silence.

"What if we accidentally take the placenta for frozen meat & eat it for dinner by mistake?"

"What if the placenta buried in the backyard grows into a giant underground squid & sucks up the hole house?" (Yes, I do believe they watched too much TV at their Dad's house.)

Autumn

Two posts today. Vintage weekend is here.

I'm plain ole drained from the emotional drama that's being hurled my way in these final days of the pregnancy. I'm trying to find peace within in the midst of it all. I'm also feeling tired & a bit under the weather. Lil' Bean is certainly on the way down, too. I can feel him on my bladder. We needed to make a quick trip to the grocery store. On my way I picked up the "A u t u m n" shawl at the local yarn shop where I like to block things. I just love how it turned out. And I'm looking forward to baked chicken, homemade mashed potatoes & buttery green beans for dinner. Happy Sunday!

Inspired by Evelyn Clark's Swallowtail. I did a plain stockinette section & make one increases along the spine rather than yarn overs. I had planned on doing an extra repeat of the border lace, but I didn't as I feared I'd run out of yarn. In retrospect, I would have probably had enough...

I love it. Not sure that I'll keep it, though. I like to knit shawls, but I truly have a hard time figuring out what to do with them.

Vintage Weekend

Here's to Kimmie's Vintage Weekend. I have a feeling, she'd love for you to join as well.

vin·tage adj.

1. Characterized by excellence, maturity, and enduring appeal; classic.
2. Old or outmoded.

The following fits the term vintage only loosely, yet taking the "now" into account, this seems a fitting first contribution to Vintage Weekend; the theme being family traditions & childhood memories of crafting with my mother. Rather than giving you a new post, I'm going to send you to read one I wrote over a year ago, so most of you will not have read this one yet. No worries, there are pictures there, too!

It's the Family Heirloom post.

Then, in Pins & Pencils you can read how Nathan kept that tradition going. If you want to comment, feel free to come back & do so here or anywhere you wish.

Enjoy! I'm off to try to get the vintage lawnmower started...

Home Sweet Home

I wanted to participate in Kimmie's call to Vintage Saturday. Alas. After 7-1/2 hours of driving 460 miles (730 km) with lots of fog in the mountains & a car malfunction, I'm exhausted. My boys are back home, though. Yay. - Might need to be a Vintage Sunday for me this week.

Sweet boys.

Silly boys.

Just A Bit Of Color

On Tuesday I thought it was Wednesday. Today it's Thursday & it still feels like Wednesday. I guess I'm stuck in time. I've had a lot of picture-less posts these past few days, so here's a bit of color.

Not many treasures remain from Noah and Nathan's childhood. They don't really play with these anymore, unless a younger child is over for a visit. When we came back to the U.S. a few years ago, what we brought had to fit into six suitcases and what we stored in a friend's house was destroyed when her basement flooded. This lil' corner brought a smile to my face today, because my boys are finally coming home this weekend. I can't wait to hug them.

I got tired of the plain knitting the Barn-Raising Quilt squares require, so I'm throwing some lace ones into the mix. Otherwise this would end up being an eternal project. I finished the Autumn Shawl, but my dear camera is not picking up the brown very well. It will need to wait 'til after blocking.

Another Vanilla soaker. Only a red one needed after this one to complete the rainbow stack.

And the shawl ready to be mailed tomorrow - unless I forget it's Friday, which is my mailing day. I decided to add a wool roving angel. I've just been wanting to create angels lately.

Philadelphia & The Shower Story

I'm feeling sentimental. Lots of memories; good memories that make me smile. I don't think I have ever told The Shower Story. I may have, but in any case it's a story worth hearing twice.

When Brent visited for the first time last year in April we drove he drove up to Philadelphia while I was knitting on the passenger side. He had some work related stuff to do there, so we had planned on spending three days up there.

I had booked a B&B in the city. I thought the rooms were beautifully kitschy, Brent thought they were tacky beyond belief. Although he kept commenting on how the clashing colors were not good for his well-being, he did give me credit for having found accommodations that were affordable & with a good city-location - as per his request.

I have to back up here for a moment and say that although my old rental had many problems, the shower pressure was awesome. It was the old rental's best feature. Brent had made a comment, too, on just how awesome it was.

In the B&B he was the first one to take a shower. He came out with a worried look on his face & told me that I wouldn't like the shower. He said that the pressure was "a bit low." "A bit low" for him translated into "an annoying tiny-trickle-thing-that-doesn't-deserve-the-word-shower" for me. It drove me bonkers. I complained about it over & over again in my sweet, whiny way. Brent never said a thing. He just had that worried look on his face.

Philadelphia was awesome. One morning, while Brent did his job-thing at the university, I treated myself to a mocha & discovered the mosaics of artist Isaiah Zagar. They can be found throughout the city. I went to the Italian Market. In the afternoon when Brent came back, we walked down South Street where we had a "bloody expensive" Long Island Iced Tea. Brent had a hard time getting used to the fact that you do tip in the U.S. - even if you think at $9 your drink was way overpriced to begin with. See, I'm a good date. After just one drink I get really funny & entertaining. One is all it takes. ;-) That night we went to the theater. It was so pretty walking through the city in the evening. I felt so fancy in my white dress with Brent holding my hand... Awww. Sigh. Anyhoo. That was Philly.

Back to the shower.

Fast forward. In the weeks after Brent left, we made plans for me to visit New Zealand for my summer break, which translates into Kiwi winter.

One day he said, "Well, now that you're really coming, I'm going to have to do something about my shower."

I said, "What are you talking about?"

He said, "Well, remember the shower in Philadelphia?"

I said, "Yeah. How could I forget... It had the most horrible water pressure eva!" (My Kiwi-speak attempts always made him laugh.)

He said, "Well, the water pressure in my shower is worse than that. You will hate it. And I won't put up with you complaining for five weeks the way you did in Philadelphia, so I'm going to have to hire someone to take out my old shower and put in a new one. And I'm going to have to see what they can do to increase the water pressure."

So here I was, thinking I would be miserable having to put up with horrible water pressure for over a month, but I couldn't let a guy rip out his shower because of it either. Big, big internal conflict.

I said, "You don't have to do all that. I will be fine. Really." (And immediately I thought, "Oh gosh. It will be horrible.")

He said, "No. I saw how you get about the water pressure. I won't put up with it. I'm having a new shower put in."

And he did. For me. Really. No kidding.

After taking my first shower there, he asked, "So, what do you think about the water pressure."

With a grin on my face I said, "It's almost as good as mine."

He looked at me with this You-gotta-be-kidding! look. I smiled & looked at him and then said, "Well, your hot water lasts longer than mine. That gives yours the edge." He laughed. And that, folks, was The Shower Story.

Sleepless

I've had a hard time sleeping these past few nights. I've definitely entered the "my belly is a bowling ball & I can't get comfortable" stage. And I miss him. So much.

I started using Skype to communicate with family overseas. And his name is still there, in the bar on the left with a big grey x through it. His picture is still there in his profile. When I hear the Skype ringtone, this shudder goes through me. And while I know it will never be him again, I still hope for it every time.

He was such an affectionate person. I miss going to sleep in his arms at night. I want to feel his hands on my belly, on our baby, and I want him to crack some joke about "my bowling-ball." I know he's here in spirit, but it's just not the same. Death sucks.

Wednesday

I woke up energized this morning, despite having slept poorly. I cleaned off my desk & decided that I wanted it in a different spot in the living-room, so I moved it there. It looks so tidy now. All organized. I dusted the baseboards, put a load of laundry in the washer & hung it up to dry. It's so hot the load was dry in less than 45 minutes! Thank you sunshine.

I started another shawl. I'm using Malabrigo Sock again. I like to wear brown & I wanted a brown shawl for myself for the autumn. I'm using Swallowtail as a guideline. My very first lace shawl was a Swallowtail. I knit it in New Zealand last year, as blogged here and here. I love the Lily of the Valley border. I did a stockinette main section & I'm planning on knitting an extra Lily of the Valley repeat to increase the size a bit. The nupps are driving me slightly bonkers. It's been slow going. And I'm wondering what in the world I was thinking when I decided on brown lilies of the valley? Tsk. - Let's just blame that on the pregnant mind. Only a few days to go. I want to take full advantage of that excuse.

In my insomnia I went blog-browsing last night. Some blogs seem to be written by people who only blog when they are depressed or something bad has happened. Their life is a TV soap opera. Then there are blogs on the other side of the spectrum. There's no way in the world that life is always a happy, cheerful bubble like that where everyone lives harmoniously in love and light in a space that's constantly cleaned to perfection. It made me wonder where my blog falls in. I'd hate to be so depressing that you have the feeling you must smoke something or swallow a pill, or - worse, eat chocolate after you're done reading here. I'm sure my blog doesn't fall into the happy, cheerful bubble blogs. I'm just too melancholic for that. I suppose my hope would be that it's somewhere in between, 'cause then it would be "real." But I'd love to hear your honest feedback on that one.

Superwoman!

Midwife Monday. I feel so empowered. We started talking about labor today. Amongst other things, my midwife gave me a list of things to do (and not to do) in case labor progresses so rapidly that she can't be here on time. Women give birth on their own. The most important thing is to stay calm. I walked away with the confidence that I could do it on my own.

My midwife talked about how you hear these stories in the media of police officers delivering babies on the side of the road; how they end up being interviewed & hailed as the hero, when in fact the woman was the one who kept it together (aided by a rush of adrenalin) and gave birth. A quick search found some examples.

Like this one: A police officer who planned to have a stern word with a driver who overtook him ended up helping deliver his baby. - Wooot? It makes it sound like the man had a baby in the car. The entire article never even mentions the woman who gave birth!

In this one it says the woman was in pain. A laboring woman & pain - now that's an unusual & newsworthy occurrence, huh? The police officer told the woman to push. Ya think she wouldn't have known what to do without his instructions? Afterward the father said, "Now that it's over, it was a pretty cool experience." Assuming the correct definition for cool in this context is slang, you could substitute excellent or first-rate or relaxed for cool. I wonder if the Mom would agree that giving birth on the side of the road was excellent, first-rate & relaxed.

And we women are considered the "weaker sex."

[Looks over her shoulders to make sure no one is watching...]

Yeah right!

A Trip Down Memory Lane

Brent & I could never figure out the day he first sent me a message. I thought he was awkward & too old for me. I wasn't all that interested. Eventually he asked for my phone number. He thought I would find his kiwi accent irresistible. I thought he was full of himself, but in a way he was right. I certainly found it charming. I don't have many messages saved from that time. This was an e-mail exchange the day he tried to call me for the first time. Two years ago today. Hard to believe. Anyhoo...
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From: Brent

To: Cadi

Sent: Saturday, August 9, 2008 6:45:49 PM

Subject: RE: :-)
I tried to call you. I am not sure if I called the correct number. I did leave  you a message
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From: Cadi
To: Brent
Sent: Sat, August 9, 2008 8:34:36 PM
Subject: Re: :-)
I got the message. I was in the shower when you called. What a bummer. Loved your sophisticated accent! ;-)

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We ended up talking for the first time the following weekend while Brent was chillin' in the bathtub. - I remember how that reinforced my "this guy is awkward" theory. We talked until his hot water heater ran out of hot water & he was getting cold - 2 hours or so. And just when I got used to the whole bathtub-phone-chat idea, he called me one day while he was on - the crapper, as he would put it. But I even got used to that. When he was visiting last April, I jokingly sent him this e-mail. - I must mention that I lived in a small house then & it was next to impossible not to hear what was happening in the bathroom...
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From: Cadi
To: Brent
Sent: Sun, April 5, 2009 4:07 PM
Subject: Hey!

I love talking to you on the phone when you poop, but I like it even more when I can hear you poop in my bathroom! :-)
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Yeah. That sort of made me laugh today... I've been blogging about farting & poop a few times now. I shall attempt to have a classier post for you next time. Now back to the here & now.

I'm A Bad, Bad Blogger!

Today the mailman brought me two boxes. I told him that I like it when he doesn't bring bills. One of the boxes was from Mindi, the other one from Renee. Renee by the way has the most lovely Little Sprouts Shop. Now, the avid blogger in me sniffed a golden blogging opportunity, dashed to get the camera (mind you, I'm not a fast dasher these days) & snapped a picture of the two boxes. I thought it would be fun to share what I was unpacking & the plan was to snap pictures along the way.

Well, the Mama-to-be-me got totally lost in pulling every single treasure out & looking at it & going "Awwww." And I was just so happy that I have wonderful friends like that & that Lil' Bean will be here soon. Thus the blogger in me forgot to snap more pictures... Then the nesting-me immediately scurried everything off to the washer, 'cause a good Mama will wash all her baby's stuff - right? Yeap.

And that's exactly where everything is right now. In the washing machine. - A missed blogging opportunity, but lots of love & gratitude in my heart. Thanks, Renee & Mindi!

The Last Stretch Or Pretty Close To It Anyhow

I'm in this cleaning frenzy, which is unusual for me. I keep a tidy space, but I'm not a domestic diva. I'd rather knit. I know it is normal to go through that stage before childbirth. I remember it with Nathan. I woke up that morning with this impulse to clean the apartment to perfection & to do the laundry. As I was walking up from the basement that day, laundry basket under one arm, Noah, then 21 months old, in the other arm, I felt the first contraction. The apartment ended up being spotless. Nathan was born later that evening. This frenzy I've been in since yesterday is thus scary. I don't feel "prepared to perfection" for this birth yet. Then again, for a melancholic like me that "stage of perfect preparedness" I create in my mind is hardly ever reached. - Just too much to live up to for a human - any human.

My posts of late have been rather personal. Writing helps. At times I contemplate how we have gotten from this idea of writing down one's personal thoughts in a locked diary to processing similar things on a blog where (at least in theory) it could be read by people all over the world. If you don't like the personal spin, I would encourage you not to read the rest of this blog post.

Last night I had a creative spike, so I worked on the Birth Invitation assignment my midwife had given me. I'm supposed to invite all the things I'm envisioning for the birth - how I want the birth to be. I made the writing below into a card, a "real" invitation. I placed a wool roving angel on the front of the ones I'm planning to pass on to the people I have invited to be present. I also made a larger wool roving angel to go over the mantle. It's in a space where I placed my copy of this Birth Invitation, along with a Reiki-charged candle & a picture of Brent. I'm planning on lighting the candle during labor. The invitation itself is prefaced by that lovely poem I mentioned a few days ago. It's just such a wonderful picture to behold. I found this envisioning a very helpful thing to do.

Here it goes...

I trust that this child, who has chosen this incarnation on earth, will be born at the right time, surrounded by the right people, and after the right amount of labor.

Brent, my love, I invite you to this birth, although I know you don't have to be invited to show up. You'll just be here. I trust that you will watch over the events unfolding here on earth from spiritual realms and that you will help bring about all the right things needed for our baby Nuriel to be born in health. Thank you for this wonderful gift.

LIFE, this birth is a celebration of you. I invite you to be present along with your companions: cheerfulness, joy and laughter. May the healthy cries of our newborn baby celebrate you.

STRENGTH, you live in me, but sometimes you slumber. I invite you to come out of the closet and attend this birth dressed in full splendor.

PEACE, I invite you to this birth in form of calm, quiet & privacy. I welcome silent moments should the need arise and I trust that they will feel natural to all who are gathered. PEACE, I invite you to be with everyone present.

WISDOM, I invite you to lead everyone gathered. Give everyone the knowledge of what is true or right coupled with just judgment and insight.

INTUITION, I invite you to guide me to do the things that will bring about movement and progress while ensuring the health & safety of the incarnating soul. I invite you to move others to assure or reassure me when it is needed.

POOP, I did not want you to be around at first as I thought you were a rather embarrassing guest to invite to such a special gathering. However, I have since learned that you are a sign that the birth is near, which I welcome. So, if you have nothing else to do, come on out & join us.

A Pink Traveling Woman - It's A Swan!

Voila! I couldn't be more pleased, really. $30 of yarn & about 20 hours of knitting & here is my donation to The Liz Logelin Foundation, which I previously blogged about here and here. I hope someone with a big wallet will fall in love with it at the auction...

I can't believe how big it is. 72" (180cm) from left to right tip!

I decided to block the ends into little tips.

Lace detail. It looks so pretty & airy.

(The brown you can see in the background is Lil' Bean's crib I put together yesterday - without instructions. I'm a co-sleeping kinda Mom, but thought it would be good for him to have a place to nap downstairs during the day.)

Almost Done!

Normally, I don't post pictures of shawls on the blocking board. I think it's their "ugly duckling" stage. The beauty of them isn't revealed until they are all dry & unpinned. As I was blocking "A Pink Traveling Woman" at the fabulous local yarn shop today, I loved the symmetry that was unfolding before me, so I did snap a picture. I think it's going to be a pretty shawl. The "beautiful swan" stage shall be revealed tomorrow.

Piggy Confession

Have you ever eaten a pint-sized container of ice-cream in one sitting? Well, I just did. I know, I can't believe it either.

One kiddie scoop is all I wanted. Really! It should be unlawful for an ice-cream place to lock a door on a pregnant woman at 9:31 p.m., even when a sign says they close at 9:30 p.m. (Thank you. I knew you would agree.)

This led me to the grocery store. I just needed some ice-cream tonight, you know. I couldn't pass by the Ben & Jerry's Mission to Marzipan - a sweet cream ice cream with almond cookies & a marzipan swirl. I bought the pint-sized container. (You would have, too. I know!) At home I couldn't stop eating it. Just so good. Yes, I consumed 80% of my daily total fat intake, 60% calcium and, oh-my-gosh-I-can't-blog-this-outrageous-number calories in a midnight "snack."

I'm such a piggy.

A Spiritual Birth

Mondays will be "Midwife Mondays" for a while. How many more "Midwife Mondays" will there be? - I wonder. Another lovely visit today. Most importantly Lil' Bean is well. He can't decide on which side he wants his bum to poke out. Quite the active baby, especially late at night.

I'm in the process of writing my birth invitation - essentially a list of the things I would like present at the birth. Not tangible things. Things like life, strength, safety, wisdom... and so on. It's a nice exercise for positive affirmation. I'll share it if it doesn't get too personal.

Over the past few days I have gotten a few e-mails asking me what I still need or want. What you're about to read might sound unusual. Nevertheless, it is what I desire most.

There's a very spiritual piece for me in preparing for the birth of this baby. William Wordsworth's Ode: Intimations Of Immortality From Recollections Of Early Childhood is a poem I have loved since first hearing it in my Waldorf teacher training years ago. The entire poem is amazing, but this piece I find especially beautiful:

Our birth is but a sleep and a forgetting:
The Soul that rises with us, our life's Star,
Hath had elsewhere its setting,
And cometh from afar:
Not in entire forgetfulness,
And not in utter nakedness,
But trailing clouds of glory do we come
From God, who is our home:

The main reason for desiring a homebirth for this child is that I want quiet, solitude and familiar surroundings. Just after Brent's death I spoke to a wonderful spiritual teacher who gave me this picture: As Brent is rising into spiritual realms, the child is descending through spiritual realms and the opportunity is created for the two of them to meet. That is how I have pictured father and child these past few months. Sometimes I talk to both of them. In lighter moments I have asked Brent to tell our child to please sleep through the night at an early age. ;-) Birth will be a kind of good-bye for the two of them, although they will always remain connected. The child will arrive on this earth where he will be welcomed with love. Endings and beginnings. Such is life.

I believe that there is a spiritual world. It is gifts from that realm that I desire. The birth invitation my midwife asked me to create today is thus a beautiful exercise for me. If you want to give us a gift, you can light a candle and/or speak that beautiful part of Ode to Immortality when I'm in labor. I have a feeling I will still have enough time to hit the "Publish Post" button on a previously saved blog entry once that time comes. It might sound like something insignificant to you, but to me it truly is what I need most.

Thank you for your blessings!

P.S. Remember the Groaning Cake? My midwife says it tastes best with homemade cream cheese icing. Sounds good to me...

Lazy Sunday ♥

♥Making progress on "A Pink Traveling Woman." I love the pink hues & the lace repeats were easy to memorize. I can't wait to see this one finished & blocked. ♥An idea for a mobile for Lil' Bean. - A bunch of these hanging from a twisty branch. A nice way to use up my variegated sock-yarn leftovers. What do you think? ♥Nice conversations with lovely people dear to my heart. ♥And news of sweet friends planning a Blessingway for me. ♥Another box unpacked. Another item checked off the homebirth list. ♥Listening to that song over & over again... But you knew that already. ♥A baby kicking up a storm & a Mama enjoying the cooler temperatures. More knitting now... I hope you are having a nice, lazy Sunday, too. They are the best. And if it's already Monday where you are, I hope sweet memories of a lovely weekend will help you get through the week.

Birth Menu

I'm supposed to come up with a menu for after the birth. These days I don't have to be told twice to think about food. I guess some people plan three different menus. You never know if it's gonna be breakfast, lunch or dinner when the baby arrives.

Being a single Mama who strives to keep things simple, I wanted to find one menu that would be appropriate for any time of the day. I also wanted to make sure that it can be stored in the fridge or the freezer. I don't want to have to run to the grocery store for fresh ingredients while I'm in labor. Last, but not least, I wanted a bit of kiwiness & somethin' German & a bit of red, white & blue.

So, on our simple menu:

Smoked salmon, bagels, cream cheese. Brent loved to eat that. Bagels are pretty American. I usually keep some in the freezer & pop them in the oven to warm them up.

I splurged on a $20 bottle of Villa Maria Sauvignon Blanc from New Zealand. And yeah, I'd totally have wine for breakfast.

There's always fruit in the house. It's easy to throw together a fruit salad.

And then I'm hoping that somehow there'll be a Groaning Cake... I'd never heard of it before, but it immediately spoke to me when I read the lil' blurb that link will take you to. Molasses are rich in iron. That'll be a good thing for me & the German in me likes the idea of a good, spicy Kuchen cake with apple.

Simple with a hint of fanciness.

Writing that blurb actually kept me from eating something at half past midnight. Off to zZzZzzing.