A Note For Lil' Bean

Dear Lil' Bean,

Okay.
I will be blunt.
I'm done being patient.
Thank you for the added suspense.
You're keeping me on my toes.

1-0 for you.
Please come out now.
Pretty, pretty please?

Apparently patience is not my virtue.
But I don't have the patience to learn patience right now.

You see, your mother is not the best homemaker.
Maintaining a clutter-free, dust-free, spiffy clean home
day after day is driving me crazy.

Not that you'd grow up in conditions the health department would deem unsanitary, but I do believe a bit of dust is good for your immune system. :-)

I'm glad you've grown into such a healthy-sized baby.
Not too big, not too small.
I'm glad you're so active.
Thing is, I wasn't the smallest chick to begin with.
I like a good-night's sleep... and I know your father has been telling you to sleep through the night at an early age, because I asked him to do so, and generally he responds to my requests...

It's hard to sleep with this big belly.
What is keeping you in there?
Surely it must be getting kinda tight?!

The moon is in Taurus. Stability & steadiness are good virtues to have. Do you not want the conservative streak that comes with that moon sign? (Okay. That makes sense. Maybe you & I would bonk heads too often...)

Are you waiting for the quick-wittedness that comes with a Gemini moon?

The tenderness of a Cancer moon (like your father)?

A Leo moon? Labor Day weekend would be a great time to be born & it also happens to be Father's Day in your Papa's homeland.

Or are you maybe waiting to be born on Nathan's birthday,
which would make you a Virgo with a Virgo moon?
(That's a lot of perfection there, my child...)

Or are we talkin' even later than September 8th?
(Gasp.)

Well, I'm sure you have a plan.
But would you kindly tell me what the plan is?
Pretty, pretty please?

If you can't get a hold of me on the phone, you can always leave me a message on Facebook.

Thank you very much.
Can't wait to meet you.

Love,
Your (tired of this insomnia) Mama

Midwife Monday

It starts of strange & depressing, but turns into a kind of funny story, so read on...

When I finally fell asleep last night, I had a dream. A weird dream. I dreamed I was in the birthing tub & I gave birth to a... squirrel. No kidding. In my dream I broke down crying saying, "Oh my gosh. What will my mother think? I gave birth to a squirrel." My midwife was trying to console me by saying, "Look at it. It's so cute. You will love it." - You see, I have come to terms in ways with my mother having walked out of my life over this pregnancy. I know a part of her still believes that I'm not really pregnant; that I'm just making it up. It's one thing for people to tell me I'm crazy when I've done something crazy, but this is not me being crazy! When I tried to "analyze" this dream, it had to do with having disappointed her in ways, although I truly know that this is her problem not mine.

Anyhoo.

Well, I went for my midwife appointment & wondered whether or not I should tell her about the dream. It was a strange in ways kinda dream, but then also kinda funny. I arrived & she peeked out and told me to go do the urine sample thing. I sat on the bed in her office when she came in and told me about these squirrels. No! I had not even mentioned my squirrel dream yet! She said that people know she raises abandoned squirrels; how she always has a container of cat milk, just in case. She said someone brought her squirrel babies last week; tiny ones that require feeding every two hours. My jaw must have dropped as she told me about it. I told her about my squirrel dream... It was just such a funny "coincidence."

She also gave me a lovely necklace with a bear on it. She said when she looked in her box, she immediately knew that I had to have it. She said bears are good mothers. :-) She reminded me that human gestation is 37-43 weeks, but that we've come to a place in society where it's hard to accept anything beyond 42 weeks. It was nice to have the reassurance that all is well. Lil' Bean's heartbeat is just fine. Healthy movements. All is well.

I'm going to insert a bit of "normal life" here. I'm really trying to hang in there, but I just miss him so much. The last few days have been especially difficult. I don't mean to be the depressing blog in your queue, but I also can't deny that it is so.

Yesterday I ended up having to dust the birthing tub. There were dust bunnies. A sure sign one has been waiting for a long time... My living-room fireplace is the only one not bricked up, but it used to be a coal-burning one, so it's not suitable for wood-burning. I put some candles in the spot & I have been enjoying the magical light in the evenings.

The boys have been fixing dinner almost daily. Here's Noah with a pizza bagel. The recipe was their idea. They were quite tasty.

I finished the Rosie Shawl. It needs blocking, though. On the needles now is my version of the Icarus Shawl - with a bit of a stockinette section. I'm using Swan's Island Organic Merino. I love the green hues, but the yarn must have been rinsed poorly or somethin'. - My bamboo needles are turning green! Yikes.

So much for Monday.

Monday 2:30 A.M.

My children. They have been fabulous. They surprised me yesterday & put together all the beds we had gotten at Ikea the day before. Their very own initiative. They have been helping around the house, not just without complaining, but actually asking me what they can do to help. They've just been so wonderful. I love them so much. Nathan woke up the other night and asked to lie down in bed with me. I can't even remember the last time that happened. He said he had had a nightmare. They were at their Dad's house & wanted to come back home, but they couldn't. They had to stay there, because I was dead... Sigh.

Last week I was ready & confident. I was in a good place emotionally. This weekend was a difficult ride. Lots of tears. I've stopped answering the phone. I'm tired of having to say "not yet" over & over again. I'm tired of having to defend my decision to have a homebirth. I'm tired of being without him - always, but especially these last few days. He was a solid, grounded human being; an anchor. I feel like a boat, out on the ocean; floating aimlessly - lost. I just want to go to sleep in his arms & feel safe knowing that all will be well...

Not Yet!

That's the only thing I seem to be saying these days & that note should take care of all potential inquiries for the next 24 hours. ;-) What can I say? Could mean that he's a procrastinator like his parents, but more likely he's just waiting for his star constellation in the heavens to be the right one for his birth; his journey through life. It seems that of all people I'm the least concerned about it, which is kind of funny. And yeah, I did take that Ikea trip yesterday. So glad I did! My boys were awesome with loading & unloading everything... - Have a wonderful weekend!

Midwife Wednesday

Lil' Bean is still high. I'm only at 1-2cm. I have permission to go shopping at Ikea, which is about a 1-1/2 hours drive through this weekend... Looks like September 2nd-ish is turning out to be the more accurate date afterall. So, don't look for a birth announcement 'til next week or somethin' like that... :-)

Moi Big Belly

Wearing Brent's shirt for a belly shot...

Busy Monday

The day started kinda mellow. No "Midwife Monday" as she had a birth to go to. - No, not mine. :-) For some reason I ended up with a very busy afternoon, though. I had some errands to run. Nathan asked for a ride to the bookstore. A photographer friend snapped some belly pictures... Anyhoo... This was our day...

Nathan & girly cat hanging out on the futon after breakfast.

Noah & boy cat chillin' in a living-room chaise.

A friend & I went to get the birthing tub. It's all clean & ready to go now...

This arrived from Christine over at a simple quilter over the weekend. I'm not a crocheter and I can't stop looking at this gorgeous baby blanket. I love, love the colorfulness of the squares. I wanted to wait with posting my gratitude 'til Lil' Bean has arrived & he can be in the picture, but I simply had to show you. Thank you so much, Christine! The Haribos were devoured by four lawn-mowing boys. :-)

As my friend and I were carrying the birthtub to the house, I noticed a crushed NZ Post box on the porch. While the outside had apparently suffered on the journey across the Pacific, the inside contained the sweet treasures you can see in the picture. They were sent by Rachel, a Ravelry friend from New Zealand. Thank you so much, Rachel. The soap smells so good. The yarn is gorgeous. I love the sweater & square hat. So unique. The kiwi shirt is so cute, too. And the Pineapple Lumps are missing... ehmmm... yeah... because... well, you can probably guess. ;-)

Last, but not least - as they say, I must also mention that I received chocolate fish and a sweet tea towel from Gail over at Delightfully Diva-ish. Unfortunately my children didn't pick up the "it's for decoration only" vibes the tea towel draped across the stove must have sent out... It's in the wash. The chocolate fish are in the fridge as they will be the Kiwi treat at Nuriel's birth. Thank you, Gail!

I really, truly don't know how to put my gratitude into words. I want you to know how sweet & wonderful it is to receive these special surprises in the mail. Thank you for your blessings!

I'm going to go straighten out a bit and have a look at the Knits magazine I picked up today. Nathan is reading the "FAA Airplane Flying Handbook." He can't wait to turn 17 to get a pilot-license. Noah is lost in two football magazines. While I don't mind the football content as he's almost 14, I do wonder about the advertisements in the magazine. Why can't the women be fully dressed? He actually wondered the same thing. Funny. Looks like a mellow evening ahead - unless Lil' Bean decides to add a little surprise-spice.

Not Yet...

It is almost 3:30 a.m. It looks like my body is preparing for "birth mode" in small chunks. Nothing too painful, but uncomfortable enough to keep me from snoozing. Small chunks is good. I'm not complaining.

I suppose more than one of my blog readers thought my blogging silence today meant that Lil' Bean has arrived. Not so. :-)

It was a mellow Sunday. My cousin's hubby (along with two of their boys and my boys) cut the grass chopped down the jungle around the house while she and I went out for a cuppa-mocha. My boys fixed baked potatoes, sausage & sauteed onions for dinner. I didn't do a thing. We don't own a TV. Football Preseason has started & Noah wanted to watch one of the games online, which meant no blogga-logga time for moi. Sitting on my bum & typing also isn't the most comfy thing to do these days & I just felt my brain wasn't quite here or there or wherever it should be... Nathan and I spent some time looking at some wildflower botany cards. He'll be studying that subject in 5th grade & the photos of the cards are just stunning. I organized my knitting patterns. They've outgrown the "one-binder-stage." I wonder if that's considered nesting? ;-)

Yes, I am ready, but I'm also wanting things to unfold in the right way at the right time, so I'm patient. I'm not slurping Castor oil or anything like that... ;-) I think about Brent & Lil' Bean a lot. I miss Brent. No doubt, getting my feet massaged while knitting would be divine just about now. I would even take his jokes about my elephant toes along with that...

I'm Ready!

I had a period of pretty steady contractions, about 7-10 minutes apart this afternoon. They faded again, but they made me realize that I'm ready. For this melancholic there will never be that moment of perfect preparedness. This old house will never be totally dust-free. There will always be some sort of Lego clutter or a Harry Potter book to trip over. All I can say is that I'm as ready for this as one can be, given the circumstances; given all that has happened in the last few months. It's not perfect, but all has been prepared with love.

I think Brent knows this as well.

And so I wait...

P.S. It's not (yet) too late to enter Another Giveaway.

Vintage Weekend

I love vintage green glassware.

Vintage Weekend inspired by Kimmie over at Serendipity Cafe.