Baby N

Waldorf philosophy assumes that children choose their parents when they are preparing their next incarnation, while still in spiritual realms. It is thus difficult to start at the beginning of this story, but for some reason a child, preparing for his or her next incarnation on earth, decided that Brent & I should be the chosen ones. While I can't go back all the way, here is what I know...

Brent and I spent Christmas at my Mom's house. That's where it all started. Well, sort of. Really "it started" two days after he got here, but anyhow. On Christmas morning I woke up feeling horribly sick. At one point Brent told me, "You are pregnant." I knew this was impossible, and I blamed my queasiness on the "climate change."

We drove back to Richmond and it didn't stop. Brent was much more intuitive about it all than I was. One evening we were joking back & forth, and at one point he said, "Hey, you better be nice to me. I'm the father of your next child."

Then came the morning of December 30th. I felt horribly sick - once again. As I laid in bed I decided I would go to the drug store to get a pregnancy test. I continued to tell myself that it was impossible to be pregnant, because it really was! What a weird cycle I must have had! But, my period was way overdue. I felt sick. My boobs hurt... I peed on the stick and as I wanted to sit it on the sink to wait 2 minutes for the result, I realized that it had turned positive already.

Children come to this world on different paths. This was a surprise for both of us, certainly not planned. Some may find this a horrible thing to say about an unborn child. I knew from the very beginning that I would give birth to this child. There was no doubt in my mind! The long distance aspect of our relationship certainly didn't make things any easier. We didn't really talk about it all very much during the following days. I had a miscarriage before Noah was born. I was in the "let's wait & see" kinda mode.

Then, one evening, we did talk about it all on the phone for a rather long time, for almost two hours to be specific. We made plans for the future. I don't want to go into the details of these plans, but we made plans and they were good plans. It was Tuesday night in New Zealand. Brent was laying on the couch. He was going to watch a movie.

What happened then, I have written about on this blog. He never showed up for work the next morning... When they sent someone to check on him, they found him on the couch, dead. The coroner determined he died from a heart attack.

So here I am trying my best to live the plans we made together. I've stuck with the "big picture" as we created it that night. I'm 18 weeks pregnant. 24 August is the date. I've heard the heartbeat twice. It was strong. I had the first ultrasound today. There are some questions, though. Not all is as rosy as I had wished. I will need to go back in two weeks & I'm a bit worried.

I'm not going to find out if it's a boy or a girl. The child has a name. It's a name with meaning, a name the child will have whether it's a boy or a girl. Like Noah and Nathan have Hebrew "N" names, so this child will have a Hebrew "N" name, too. I will continue on with my class, teaching part-time.

So far, so good. It's all as carefully thought out as plans can be thought out. But, life happens - with or without a plan. I'm not taking anything for granted anymore.